We develop friendship skills and combat loneliness by meeting as a group. We share life stories, make helpful comments and improve our self-image, confidence, and open communication skills. Group meetings encourage authentic participation, foster vulnerability and lead to generosity of community spirit.
We are looking for volunteers to form groups and facilitate discussions to help communities end the loneliness and isolation that come with aging - when friends and spouses leave us, when neighbors move away, when retirement terminates the flow of contacts, or our health restricts our movement.
The volunteer facilitators who succeed are the Illuminators - those who see the goodness in our neighbors, who shine a light on valuable human experiences and character. Facilitators open up the wealth within our hearts to reveal our shared strengths and develop stronger bonds among neighbors. It may be the most satisfying thing we ever do.
Why It Works
When we are telling our little life stories, we enter the cognitive state shared by artists, laborers, songwriters and sorcerers. That mental state is known as FLOW, or Theta wave or Genius. We connect through memory to our younger selves, recalling the highlights and the vivid detail. Time stops as we relate to members of our group the factual accounting of chunks of our lives.
When we bare our souls to a roomful of strangers who become our friends, we gain self-awareness. Telling your story leaves you feeling wise and grateful; you just experienced a younger you growing up surviving challenges even though you had weaknesses, shortcomings and human flaws.
This self-awareness is fueling confidence, authenticity and vulnerability. It feeds growth in friendship skills and re-orients us toward generosity of spirit, so we illuminate others. We discover how empathy and respect can open our hearts to see how similar we all are.
HOW IT WORKS
Introduce yourself at starting time, keeping it brief. Go around the room with each person sharing their present day situation, their background and their future plans in less than a minute. Then you introduce the topic of the day: For example, what are the characteristics of a relationship in which you feel really connected to another person? Or one thing I'd like to learn or strengthen in myself so I can experience more connection, and better relationships.
Comments and questions should be only positive and illuminating – reflecting on the person’s story. Focus on the teller. When you’ve gone around the room, and time is almost gone, discuss what topic you’d like for next session.
Sharing understanding and opening ourselves to others will put an end to the isolation and open the door for friendship to restore a sense of fulfillment. Facilitating these meetings may require diligence in keeping folks on task with occasional interruptions of folks who take too much time or say objectionable things. Effective facilitators do not tolerate behaviors that run counter to the simple goals of the group. Facilitators create closer, more durable friendships by illuminating the strengths we all share.
We cultivate the ability of group members to see and hear the shared needs of ourselves and others, to understand another’s plight as if it were our own, and to engage empathy and civility to dispel barriers to meaningful bonds with others.
Helpful Background Material to take the group to the next level
The Good Life, by Dr. Robert Waldinger describes an 85-year-old Harvard study of what makes for healthy lives and a lifetime of happiness. It concludes with a simple idea: Quality of life depends on quality relationships, not money, fame or glory.
Platonic, by Marisa Franco probes us to understand how the science of attachment helps us make and keep friends. Excellent insights here on authenticity, vulnerability and generosity. How to Know a Person, by David Brooks. The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen. Strong insight into personality traits, art of empathy and valuing of experience. If you want only one book, choose this one.
We Should Get Together, by Kat Vellos offers a summary of how meaningful relationships grow from purposeful conversation. She offers hundreds of excellent prompts for discussions, topics that yield exceptional participation.
How to Find Volunteer Opportunites Near You Go to https://createthegood.aarp.org/ Enter Facilitator in search bar. Click your state in box on left.
Articles (Copy and paste in search bar to access articles)
Hi. My name is Joe Lamy, and I started a group after I read an article about an 85-year Harvard study and shared my feelings with my lunch group at the Senior Center of West Seattle. The study showed how meaningful connections – the quality relationships in our lives – are better indicators of whether we are healthy and happy than money or fame. When another guy agreed to assist, we decided to start a group to combat loneliness.
I joined a book club on the book by Melisa Franco called Platonic, subtitled How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make – and Keep – Friends. A week before the first meeting of our new group the Surgeon General’s report on the Epidemic of Loneliness came out. I felt like I was swimming in the confluence of three rivers: the Harvard study, the Platonic book and the report on loneliness. Eight people came to the first meeting.
The Seattle Times published an article by Al Kemp to spotlight the group's success, so I tried to clone it at the Ballard NW Senior Center. It was well received. Then BusinessInsider published an article a couple of months later on the internet that drew folks from around the country. AARP offers a forum for volunteers to find ways to benefit their communities. I posted Facilitator of Friendship Skills Discussion Group.
Since then, I've been in touch with folks from coast-to-coast. Our interconnections strengthen when we share our stories and grow comfortable being seen and heard. It’s free, and the benefits are so fulfilling.
How To Get Started
Contact a senior center in your area, a YMCA, library or church or home with facilities for group meetings. Share your plan, and find out how they communicate with their attendees.
Here’s a sample blurb to invite folks to the groups: NEW GROUP!Friendship and Conversation Corner is a discussion group aimed at dispelling and combating loneliness. We tell stories about our lives and focus on improving our abilities to share wholeheartedly. We connect better when we bring our best selves, open up and develop generosity, empathy and respect.
At the first meeting, have name tags available and a marker to greet the attendees. Go around the room with one-minute introduction: present situation, past life summary, future plans. Pick a topic to focus on. Start with something everyone can comment on, like what a best friend taught you or how a purpose in life challenged you and brought out your strengths.
When we respect one another and develop confidence in ourselves, we can cultivate meaningful connections. In this group, we reveal our authentic selves by sharing stories from our lives and our personal learning experiences.
We look back at the influences from parents, siblings, neighbors, friends and enemies, trials and tribulations, successes and failures. We combat loneliness by encouraging a sense of belonging and self-awareness. We grow comfortable in sharing our point of view and focusing on challenges we faced and commonality we share in dealing with life’s ups and downs.